How to Be a Bad Friend in Ten Steps

There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. ― Jane Austen

Friends. How many of us have them? We all know the song. Friendship has been the cornerstone of human society since it began. Whether related or not, finding our human as a child is a priority. Life is hard. Having Someone there to hold your hand always makes it that much easier. If you are lucky, you go through childhood, high school, and young adult years with a partner in crime. And then things slowly begin to change.

 Suddenly you are no longer a young adult, and the rose-colored glasses and alcohol-induced euphoria has subsided. Suddenly you are questioning your friendships. After all, life teaches us that the benefit of the doubt diminishes with age.

 From childhood, we learn honesty, loyalty, and constancy, qualities intended to make us a good person.  These are also the same qualities of a decent friend, but as Anais Nin has said, "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

 Without judgment and no assumptions, I have provided a link to a great article regarding what makes a good friend.  But that's not why we are here. Today boys and girls, we are learning How to be a Shitty Friend 101. Follow these steps carefully, and you'll be friendless and miserable in no time. Isn't that what you think you deserve?

 1. Start a friendship with Someone that you don't like. The relationship will be strained because you will never really grow to be fond of your imaginary friend. Oddly, the distrust will not be because your friend is not trustworthy. You will doubt their intentions simply because yours were dishonest.

2. Use lies and manipulation. Guarantee that your friendship is not a safe space. To make things interesting, only to tell your friend half-truths. They don't need to know you. Hell, you probably don't even know yourself.

3. If the person you are befriending is only there to meet one of your arbitrary needs, PERFECT. We're not looking for camaraderie. We prefer something closer to modern-day indentured servitude.

4. Befriending people that are regarded highly by your friend is great. Chances are you will put a strain on friend's other relationships, and that's a good thing. Mayhem, destruction, and isolation are key.

5. Gossip about your friend. Entertain lies about them even when you know the truth. Forget protecting your friend's weaknesses and highlighting their strengths. Fuck em, all they need is your shady ass anyway.

6. Communication should always be one-sided.  Only talk about yourself. When your friend mentions things in their life, interrupt. Tell them "enough about that; I have something important to tell you." Avoid their text or phone calls unless you need something. And when they ask about the gaps in communication lie. Sleep, illness, or phone issues are always good excuses. Thank God they are too dumb to realize that you are ignoring them. They are simply an accessory to your life.

7. Skew the exchange of energy in your favor. When you need to release some negativity, call your imaginary friend every time. Don't check on them first. Think shitstorm.  Remember, reciprocity? Don't.

8. Require that your friend lies to you because the truth is too complicated for you to handle. When all else fails, manipulate, lie, and manipulate some more, anything to avoid facing your reality. If things get too real, pick a fight! FDB!

9. Last but not least, drive a wedge between your friend and their family because isolation is best. They need to feel as shitty as you do, causing them to lose close relationships because of your lies and manipulation is only fair. It's the best way of showing love.

10. Don't forget the occasional gift. You can't provide any real support a donation here, and there is the least you can do.

 If you are a good friend, you are indeed a blessing. If you're an inconsiderate, selfish, scalawag, maybe you can turn things around and save your friendship. Or you may have read this all to find that your friend isn't your friend. In that case, I offer you a quote from Big Rube,"...right on to the real and death to the fakers".

Are you being a good friend? Do you need to reevaluate your list of friends? Have your friendships changed as you've gotten older?

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